FRST THREE PAGES OF MY BOOK CH. 1

Sean Pendr wrote:The older boy sat completely sill staring off into space listening with eyes closed.

Sean Pendr wrote:Pulling off the talisman from his belt, contained magic shaping itself into a fang about five feet in length, he swung it over his head wielding it with his right hand.

“This is going to be fun” he said with an evil grin, marks imbued with magic etching his skin on his arm and onto his face’s right side like fire.

Sean Pendr wrote:Try’s perception of time became akin to normal again. One word was all he said, “traitors….”, the rest were lost in the blazing vortex released by his spell.

Sean Pendr wrote:The older boy sat completely sill staring off into space listening with eyes closed.

Sean Pendr wrote:Pulling off the talisman from his belt, contained magic shaping itself into a fang about five feet in length, he swung it over his head wielding it with his right hand.

“This is going to be fun” he said with an evil grin, marks imbued with magic etching his skin on his arm and onto his face’s right side like fire.

Sean Pendr wrote:Try’s perception of time became akin to normal again. One word was all he said, “traitors….”, the rest were lost in the blazing vortex released by his spell.

after reading it over from your view it has been revealed to me the errors i need to fix and to you all I thank for that.

my character tyr is actually a nice guy but the demon inside him craves for blood constantly...... you will learn as the story progresses.....

ummm...... i will be revising this entire document to make it so much less of a bore and drag to read (yes i admit it......) and i will be describing the place in which these 'kids' live...... also Caer gets more involves as the story progresses he is so far the only one who can snap Tyr from his bloodlust........

and yes Try would rip voldomort to tiny little peices then incinerate them to dust in blackened hellfire.......


thanks for the comments and i will be posting the new version sometime this month.....

Great story! I love your descriptions.

A cold laugh that chilling everyone to their souls echoed across the valley, the soldiers and guards all drew their weapons, shivering uncontrollably...

The first sentence is a little confusing. Snow is on the ground and I’m not sure veiled it the right ward. Do you mean, the snow veiled the forest from view?

“Watching this were two young boys sitting high up on a limb of the white bark” sorry to be annoying, but bark won’t have limbs. Other than this, the paragraph is very good!

“slight curves revealing little of his muscles” I think you need to put an “A” in here somewhere. “A little” mean some, whereas “little” means not much at all.

As I am reading this, I think “hurry up”. You do a lot of explaining and description. Nothing happens! Try to speed things up a little.

“Halfling’s hair as he reach behind to release his Teïra” I am being annoying again, I know. You should say “reached”.

“pushed him self to his feet” himself is one word!

Is Tye the master? You don’t make this clear. You should have mentioned it earler, I found it hard to follow. Maybe mention how in awe the little halfling is of this strange elf.

“Tyr felt sympathy for the young boy because of the hate he felt for these…these barbarians” the wording here’s a little simple. I would have said something like “He felt pity for the young boy, but it was nothing compared to the hatred he felt for… etc”. That’s just me though. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

“All the soldiers all backed up from him swords raised” you don’t need to say all twice. It doesn’t sound right!

“of the events unto the lifeless corpses by the pyre.” Did they die? I can’t remember reading that. I thought Tye saved them.

A couple of other things. I don’t think Caer added anything to the story really. You could have told it without him, really. He played no part in the fighting at all. But then, you did say this was only part of the story, so maybe he bevomes important later on. But in this little part alone, he plays no part!

Your style is very enjoyable. You sound like an old story teller and it’s enjoyable to read. There are a couple of things you could improve on and correct here and there, but you have a promising talent and with time, I’m sure you will become great! Keep writing and have fun. Sorry it took me so long to review this by the way. Didn’t realise the urgency!

Yours
BlackDove

Well I critted this last night but my mom flipped out cause i was up so late so i'll try again. Hopefully i'll get it all done this time.

The forest veiled under the snow was quietly serene to all who viewed it. The wind blew gently from the west picking up the snowflakes in a slow and pretty dance. The way the sun shone through them made them sparkle as if with a light of their own.

“They’ve come” he said sneering, the Halfling quickly drawing away his hand. “There is fighting by the mountains, a group of scouts likely, and they are being led by an old friend of mine..." his sneer broke into a evil-like grin as he thought for a second longer, not completing his wording.

Pulling off the talisman from his belt, contained magic shaping itself into a fang about five feet in length, he swung it over his head wielding it with his right hand.

“This is going to be fun” he said with an evil grin, marks imbued with magic etching his skin on his arm and onto his face’s right side like fire.

I only read a little bit of it, but I loved the description. There were a few spelling/grammar type mistakes, but those are fixable. I did like what I read, though. Great start.

Very discriptive! There are a few spelling mistakes. I'm a little bit confused about the story and "his innner beast," but i guess you'll probably explain all that in your coming chapters.

Placing it softly on his lips The Halfling began to play. He played a song about loss and love so rich and beautiful emotions would well up in all who listened, a piece from an elvish Edda.

Hullo Sean.


I spaced it out for you, so that it'll be easier for others to read and critique. I'll try to get to it myself, one way or another.




IMP